Jurassic World (2015)

jurassicpark

Director: Colin Trevorrow

Writers: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly, Michael Crichton

Recommended? This movie has dinosaurs in it.

So I know for people who go to movie theaters this movie is old already or whatever, but as far as I’m concerned it’s a new release because I just found it on The Pirate Bay.

Jurassic World is full of hot dinosaurs I’d totally love to know in the biblical sense and they all run around this island and go totally jurassic on all these fucking tourists. There are like, flying velociraptors and shit. If you want to watch that happen, which you do, you’re going to have to turn your pop-culture blinders up to 11.

The protagonist is this action hero dude who was probably genetically engineered to be part velociraptor which is why he’s as smart as one, and the antagonist is this giant T-Rex who was definitely genetically engineered to be part velociraptor which is why he’s as smart as one too.

And these two guys — the human guy and the dinosaur guy — they’re fighting over who gets to be the alpha of the pack of actual velociraptors.

So the Jurassic World theme park is off the coast of Costa Rica and let me tell you, the colonialist fucks who built that fucking place did not hire local.

The only part in any of that I lied about is the human guy being part dinosaur.

Anyway at the beginning I was like “show me the dinosaurs!” but instead the movie was like “first we’ve got to beat you over the head with how cold and calculating the love interest is by showing you all these men (three in a row) who try to teach her deep meaningful shit that she isn’t able to understand until the end of the movie.”

So I got through the deep meaningful shit that I by and large approved of — accept that you don’t control everything, be less structured, don’t send your date an itemized itinerary in advance of the evening — and they showed me the dinosaurs. I will put up with fucking anything if the payoff is dinosaurs. Even a disgustingly cute white middle class family.

The only halfway-decent thing the movie did, from a race point of view, is have a lot of white tourists get killed. But unfortunately most of them just got like, “aww shucks what a bad vacation” injured with casts and bandages. Rather than raise the fucking stakes like real writers do (I am not a real writer) the screenwriters were like “how about all the tourists get away on a boat before the climax of the film, and we’ll put all of the viewer’s emotional investment onto just four white people?”

So the Jurassic World theme park is off the coast of Costa Rica and let me tell you, the colonialist fucks who built that fucking place did not hire local. Like, not even the fucking janitors. They only hired bored white kids on summer vacation or white badass mofos. Oh there was a black guy sidekick, and the screenwriters didn’t kill him. I was all set to give the them points for that, but then I realized — fuck, if they’d killed the dude, then they’d have actually had to have made him an at-least-two-dimensional character.

But there are ankylosauruses or whatever and one of them fights a fucking Veloci-T Rex. (I made that name up because I am very clever and definitely not drunk.)

Imagine the hubris of making a film that genders fucking boardroom evil capitalism as feminine and the fight for family and not-corporations as masculine.

So anyway the movie pretends that the woman is sort of the protagonist, and it’s true that she has more of a character arc than anyone else, but that arc is from competent evil businesswoman to now-she-has-a-man-and-wants-a-family so I kind of don’t know what to say about that.

Wait, yes I do.

Okay so this whole fucking movie is about the hubris of greedy fucks getting them killed, right? But imagine the hubris of making a film that genders fucking boardroom evil capitalism as feminine and the fight for family and not-corporations as masculine. Just imagine that hubris. Or watch this movie, then you don’t have to do any imagining. Probably a fucking feminist dinosaur straight from the pages of the SCUM manifesto is going to break into their studios and fucking eat them. “No!” One of the screenwriters will say, his hand outstretched in fear, “we’re on the same side!”

Then the fucking thing would just eat him because hubris.

Also if any publisher is interested, I’d like to write SCUM Manifesto with Dinosaurs.

There are seriously four women in this film and three of them are corporate caricatures in suits. One of them is the mom who is being pressured to get back into the boardroom and stop caring about her kids, one of them is the evil corporate protagonist who learns to fall in love with the asshole who intentionally physically intimidates her, and one is the evil protagonist’s assistant. The assistant is given the only long, drawn out death scene that approaches pornographic (not pornography like sexy but pornography like how people who read too much political theory talk about it) as she’s tossed from dino to dino before maybe being eaten by the sea monster.

Anyway, spoiler, the kids survive, the assholes fall in love, and dinosaurs win the island.

God I fucking love dinosaurs. 5/5 would watch again.

One thought on “Jurassic World (2015)”

  1. Some clever person with time on hands (not me) should take all four Jurassic Park films and compress them into two montages. The first one should be called “Cool Dinosaurs Doing Cool Dino Stuff.” The second one should be called “Dino Destruction Porn.” These films will allow everyone to enjoy everything that is good about the Jurassic Park films without having to deal with the annoying fictional primates and their simplistic problems that no one has ever given a crap about.

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